About Me

I almost don't know where to start.

This blog has to be completely anonymous for me. I'm a 20-something woman who is just beginning the road to healing and recovery. It didn't even register until about 6-7 months ago what the f*** was going on with me.

It should have been completely obvious from the beginning. Only it wasn't. I thought I was born broken. Some of my earliest memories involve me clinging for my life to my mom's legs. As a young child, I stole stuff. From the store, but mostly from my friends. It was always their "Barbie" stuff. Clothes, shoes, furniture, the actual dolls. You name it, I stole it. I was caught when I was in the 5th grade by my friend's parents, and the incident pretty much curtailed my klepto habit.

I lost my "virginity" when I was 12. I was obsessed with sex, and I told myself I was just a horny kid. I had many, many casual sex relationships when I was young. I told myself I was cool, like Samantha on "Sex And The City". I would get myself good and drunk, and then throw myself at whoever. Whoever would pay attention to me. It really didn't matter if that was a man or a woman. I started drinking at 13, and began using marijuana daily at 15.  I cut myself daily, on my arms. I grew up feeling empty, worthless, and ugly from as far back as I can remember. I knew I was different from everyone else, and I was miserable. Why was everyone else happy, and I wasn't?

I had a miscarriage at 16. It was at 16 that I tried to kill myself. I cut my arms the wrong way for suicide, but hey, I was a kid. I became anorexic so people would give me attention over how much weight I was losing. The less I ate, the more people paid attention to me. And I loved it.

All of this happened, and I still couldn't and never did connect the dots. When I was 23, I met a good man. One who didn't abuse me physically or emotionally. I married him and it's been almost 3 amazing years. The only problem... About 7 months, I started having "flashbacks". I didn't know they were flashbacks when they started. I'd been having them for about a month, when it the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. These weren't fantasies, and I didn't make them up. When I have a flashback, I see everything as it was happening. The moonlight shining through the window, the chill in the air, the quilt my grandma made on the bed, my purple-silver nightgown hiked around my hips, my uncle's maniacal face, and his hand over my mouth to quiet my cries. Him whispering in my ear that no one would hear me.

I've had many flashbacks, and recovered a lot more memories. Like I said, it's only been months. None of this had ever occurred to me, despite the painful, empty life my childhood was.  It's occurring now though. I'm meeting with a psychiatrist at the end of the month, for the first time ever.

This is truly the start of a journey for me. I've had a pretty crazy, messed up life, but like I said, I never remembered any abuse. I'm still at the point where I don't know if any of this is real, or if I made it all up to make excuses for why I am the way I am.

I know there are so many people out there hurting, hopefully I will just provide another perspective for people who say, "I'm the crazy one. This hasn't happened to anyone else. I'm alone".

You aren't alone.