Possibly Temporary Peace?

I'm feeling pretty good. I've been feeling pretty good for about a week. I'm not sure what to attribute my peacefulness to at this point. I had one bad day last week though, and it was a doozy.

It was Thursday. I had a doctor's appointment in the am. I was seeing a new doctor due to the fact that my previous doctor moved to another branch of the hospital, about an hour away. I decided to see her replacement, instead of moving with her. I didn't like her very much anyway. The new doctor was interesting. She was very nice, but she had one of those soft, gentle voices. I couldn't get over the way she was talking. Almost like if I said anything, my voice sounded vulgar next to hers. She did do 2 positive things, however. One, she called another psychiatrist while I was sitting right there and made me a new appointment, and two, she gave me refills on my prescriptions. This way I don't have to call their office once a month, track down a doctor to refill my prescriptions, drive to their office to get the prescriptions, drive to the drugstore to refill my prescriptions, wait at the drugstore to have my prescriptions filled, and finally, go home. This area of the South is really archaic in the way they do some things. It was a big deal, getting this done every month. And I would be really anxious until this task was completed every month.

Now that I've went off on a tangent about my doctor's appointment, I will tell you that I felt nervous and anxious the rest of the day. My husband's aunt, who we are living with right now, decided we should have cocktails around mid-afternoon. She can only be described as "alcohol dependent". I wouldn't call her an alcoholic, but if alcohol is around she will drink it, and she will drink a lot of it. The cocktail of choice was decided to be margaritas. I don't drink tequila. I drink wine, beer, or vodka. That's it. But oh, I drank the margaritas. And another. And another. By the time my husband got home from work, I was blacked out. What's scary is I made dinner while I was blacked out. I grilled hot dogs (so not safe), and made macaroni and cheese on the stove. I remember snippets of the night, mostly of puking my guts out, some of sobering up, some of going to bed. What I do remember is the next morning. Cotton mouth, pounding headache, and a sore, achy body. A hangover from hell. My husband told me the next day that I had a meltdown while I was blacked out. Screaming at him that there was something wrong with me, I wanted to die, and I didn't want to live here anymore.

Wow. That's a lot to scream at someone. Needless to say, my husband was terrified. He didn't know what was going on. I told him the next day that I didn't mean any of those things, that I don't know where they came from. And I really don't. I mean, it's pretty obvious something is wrong with me, but like I said, I've actually been feeling really good.

So here I am, thinking about my behavior on Thursday, wondering where it came from, and how long will this feeling good last? I just don't know at this point.