Mad At The World.

I've woken up on the wrong side of the bed for the last 3 days. The news has been upsetting me. Hurricane Isaac hasn't helped, it's only made the bad mood worse. I can't stand seeing all the flooding, evacuations, people and pets made homeless, and the unfathomable destruction. It makes my heart hurt.

In my opinion, this unshakeable bad mood has been brought about by dreading the weekend. Yes, the husband's aunt is making us leave for the weekend AGAIN. I'm not looking forward to staying with the husband's mom. I hate his aunt. I can't wait until we leave to go to my parent's house. I just wish I could stay there until the house is done. I honestly don't know how I'm going to be nice to Aunt after we move out. She is the most ugly person I've ever met. Not talking about looks, either...

Also contributing to the bad mood is my weight. I feel so out of control lately. I'm still 11 lbs over my normal weight, and it's driving me crazy! I've been on a diet for the last 2 weeks, and doing an hour of cardio 5 times a week, and yet I feel like I'm continuing to get bigger. The scale hasn't moved in the last 3 weeks, so I'm not gaining weight. But am I gaining inches? I feel like I am. I usually don't have to diet, working out allows me to eat what I want. But not right now. I am drinking more than usual, I think that's a huge factor. I wish I could stay away from the stuff, but sometimes I feel like it's the only way to deal with Aunt. Or the only way to deal, period. I'm just so unhappy. My husband says my weight will stabilize once we are out of here, but I can't stand feeling so heavy during this time period, no matter how short.

My body is so tired. An hour of cardio is hard. I definitely forced it yesterday. My body was sore and screaming at me to stop, but I kept going. I'm paying for it today, I hurt everywhere. I'm at an impasse today. I should do an hour of cardio, since I know I'm going to my mother-in-law's for 3 days and I will eat nothing but fast food. But I hurt. I may do 30 minutes of cardio, and an hour of yoga. To compromise. It's just so frustrating, usually my weight and body is the one thing I can control. I feel like I have none right now.

The urge to cut is high right now. I've held strong, and stayed away, but it's always there. Especially with the impending stay with my mother-in-law. Never do I want to cut as much as I do when I'm there. Yesterday I was smoking a cigarette, and kept having the urge to burn my arm. What would the husband say about that? I don't even know. I do know I would be in a lot of trouble. Also, once I start, it won't stop. Self-control will go out the window and I will compulsively just do it. Like everything else I'm addicted to.

Argh, I just want to scream. Lately, I feel like all the rage and all the frustration is bubbling so close to the surface. I feel like I'm going to explode, and have a massive melt-down. I'm trying desperately to keep that from happening, I know no good will come of it. No good. I've only 3 more weeks until I'm out of here. 3 more weeks. That's what I keep telling myself.

I'm just so mad. Mad at everything and everyone.

Time For A Break

I need to get out of here.

My time here with my husband's aunt has quickly morphed into a miserable time. Respect and mutual liking I used to have for her? Gone. Replaced with red-hot rage and hatred. I hate her. I've never met such a miserable person. She's got a mean-streak a mile wide, and I just can't understand it. I've never had a mean-streak. I don't like to hurt people, therefore I avoid doing it. Doesn't she know whats it's like to be hurt? She says she does. Knowing how bad it hurts, how could she inflect that pain on another person? I can't wrap my head around it. I handle myself with class, and a lot of times bite my tongue instead of saying the evil things that are going on in my head.

Aunt told us today that we are to be gone for Labor Day Weekend. Go stay with Husband's mom. My heart dropped to my stomach, and I think I actually tasted bile in my mouth, I was so angry. So angry. Be gone for Labor Day Weekend, so she and her husband can leave the house all day long, flitting from mall to movie to restaurant, while I suffer insomnia, allergies, and panic attacks by staying in the dark, smoke-filled pit that is my mother-in-law's house? I hate her. I would never be able to tell someone to go live in somewhere as awful as that, when I could help them myself. I could never live with myself knowing I caused that person so much pain and distress.

Learning about Labor Day Weekend ruined my day. My week. I've been down the whole day since I found out, at about 11 am this morning. There is one good thing I've got to look forward to. My husband found out he gets about a month off from work, so we are packing up the dogs and going to my parent's for a month. I can't wait. I can't wait to be somewhere where I feel welcome, loved, and wanted. Somewhere with absolutely no drama. With people who are warm, and deep in their hearts are good people. I am so happy I will be getting away from here, and away from Aunt. Of course, when we return from my parent's, we have to move in with my husband's mom until the house is done. We won't be back from our trip until the end of October, so I am hoping against all hope that the house is done by then. When the house is done, I'm going to be hard pressed to associate myself with Aunt. Being nice to her is going to be hard work.

I've noticed lately that I'm not making any progress on my issues. I haven't recovered any new flashbacks, and it's almost like I've completely stopped thinking about it. My obsession with getting better and figuring out what happened to me has been replaced by my all-consuming hatred for Aunt. This is not good for a couple of reasons. One, I really thought I was moving forward. All I wanted to was figure out what happened, piece everything back together, find a way to accept it, and move on. All progress has halted. I hate that, because I feel like my mind is simply putting off the inevitable. Once I no longer have Aunt to fixate on, then what? It starts all over again? Two, this hatred I feel is not normal or healthy. It makes me stressed. I constantly feel in a state of duress. I'm not the type of person who judges everyone, is jealous of them, and therefore talks crap and looks down on them. That is not me. But I don't deal with people like Aunt. Ever. My life is normally pretty laid-back and easy-going. Like I normally am. I wish I could just go to sleep, and wake up on the day when it's time to leave for my parent's. Fast-forward through this awful period of time right now.

Of course, that's not going to happen. I've got about a month that I've got to keep it together. We are leaving on September 27. I have to just try as hard as I can not to have a meltdown during this time period. Easier said than done.

Weekend In Hell

*********There is some pretty frank language in this entry. Do not read if you are so dainty as to not want to read some cursing. I warned you.******************



It was a really shitty weekend.

I mean, really shitty. The husband's aunt asked us to go and stay with my husband's mother from Friday-Sunday. I say ask, but I really mean told. Here's what she said, "Uncle and I talked. You guys are to be out of the house this weekend. Go stay with Husband's Mom". Well, thanks, you crazy bitch. Supposedly, so her and the Uncle can have some alone time. Like that's going to happen, I thought in my head, wishing I could kill her with my thoughts alone.

I loathe staying at my husband's mother's home. Really, really loathe staying there. She lives in a single wide trailer that she never cleans. The house is filthy. An inch of dirt on everything. Cobwebs are in every corner. Bits of food and nicotine gum tossed on the floor, in corners. Not good when you have 2 little dogs that like play Hoover vacuums all around the house. Trash lid soiled with old food. A fridge also soiled with old food, inside and out. Dead flies and heavy dust on the windowsills. The bathroom, oh, the bathroom. I shutter to think about it. She doesn't keep any food in the house, so we ate fast food all weekend. McDonald's, Little Caesar's, Subway, Arby's. My stomach hurt so bad by the time it was time to leave. Her house is in an apparent dead zone. She doesn't have Internet, and I couldn't get service on my phone, let alone 4G Internet service. She watches TV 24 hours a day, so we just sat there for 4 damn days, watching TV. The worst part of everything about staying with her? She smokes in the house. This is not light smoking either. We are talking a pack a day.

I get extremely agitated and anxious when I stay for too long at my mother-in-law's house. I also get a severely stuffed up, snotty nose. I always thought it was the filth that bothered me about her house, but after being forced to spend 4 days there this weekend, I realized why. My grandma used to smoke in her house. My mother-in-law's house smells exactly like my grandma's house from when I was a child.

My husband was working night's this weekend, so I slept alone at my MIL's house. I slept every night for exactly 4 hours, and woke up to the smell of smoke. My MIL is bipolar, and her behavior is extremely erratic. She is just starting on her manic phase right now, so she is not sleeping at night. She sits in her living room, and chain smokes. There is a hefty crack between the floor and the door of the room that I was sleeping in, so I woke up every night, smelling cigarette smoke. And every night, I had a trembling panic attack. I had them during the day too, don't get me wrong, but the night ones were the worst. I cried every night. Cried until I was exhausted and somehow, managed to fall back asleep for an hour.

My husband has asked his mother not to smoke inside when we are there, but she doesn't listen and/or care during her manic phases. She'll not smoke when he's there, or when I'm awake, but as soon as she thinks I'm asleep, BAM! She pulls out that pack so fast, and lights them up for a couple of hours. Maybe she thinks I don't know, but for god's sake woman, you live in a single wide trailer. You ain't hiding shit from anyone.

The husband's stupid fucking aunt called my MIL constantly all weekend. On Friday, her and Uncle left the house. All day. All damn day. So we had to go stay in a dark, dirty, moldy hole so you could go shopping, out for drinks, to a movie, more shopping, and out to dinner? Thanks, you fucking cunt. On Saturday, Uncle left to play cornhole. On Sunday, Uncle left to play cornhole. Are you fucking serious? Are you fucking serious? I saw red most of the weekend, so consumed in my hatred of Aunt was I. I'm still pretty pissed. If I could find a way to do it, I would take my damn dogs and go stay with my parents until the fucking house was done. But they live 2700 miles away, and one person cannot fly with 2 dogs, damnit.

The husband and I just got back today. I'm pasting a big, fat, fake smile on my fucking face and acting like everything is just peachy-fucking king. Aunt had the nerve to say to me when I got home, "Thanks so much for leaving for the weekend! We just had the best time!".

Fucking whore.

Weathering A Storm

I've had a rough week. Over the weekend, I had 2 panic attacks of a pretty size-able scale. I've been muddling through this week, because after the weekend I've felt drained, apathetic, and down. I'm trying to do all my normal stuff to recover from the aftermath, but it's always slow going after these ordeals.

It should have been a fun and relaxing weekend. My husband and I went to visit his cousin and his wife at their lake house in a neighboring state. It was a long drive through a mountain range, where we ran into some rough weather. The last hour of our trip had us driving through a severe thunderstorm. The rain was pounding down so hard, I couldn't see through the windshield. My husband (along with everyone else on the interstate) flipped his emergency lights on and slowed to a crawl. I don't handle bad driving conditions very well, even though I'm always the passenger. But I still managed to hold myself together by holding on for dear life to my seat.

Already the weekend was off to a rocky start. But, the weather cleared up about 5 miles from our destination and when we arrived, we both settled in with some drinks. We'd been there for about an hour when my husband's cousin got itchy to take his boat out. I was apprehensive. It was late in the day, and there still looked like more storms coming in. But the cousin was adamant. So off we all go, in the boat. Sure enough, we'd been out on the water for 3 hours when a nasty, threatening black cloud appeared over the lake. The husband's cousin had started heading for shore, but we hadn't even made it yet when the downpour started. That's all I remember.

My husband said I had begun shaking violently when the rain started, and that I passed out. Good thing too, because the husband's cousin drove all the way back to the lake house with everyone still in the back of the boat. Through a thunderstorm. With lightening. Smart kid, that one. The next thing I remember, was being in the guest room, changing out of my soaking wet clothes. And I was tired as hell. And not a bit drunk, so I didn't pass out from excess of alcohol. When I went to sleep that night, I didn't wake up until morning. Unusual for me.

I felt like I was underwater the next morning. Foggy, unclear, and slow. But, it was a sunny day so everyone dressed for a day on the boat. I told myself it would be ok, I would just lay in the back of the boat and sunbathe. No big deal. We hadn't been out on the lake very long when the beer started flowing. The beer didn't stop flowing for 8 hours. I was drunk as a skunk by late afternoon. I made a questionable decision when I decided to jump off a 25-foot drop with everyone else. Not something I probably would have felt the need to do sober. I just remember standing at the edge of that drop-off and not caring. Not caring one bit as I stepped off and free-fell. I had a life-jacket on, so I guess it makes this dumb-ass decision a smidge more safe. Everyone decided to head back to the house shortly after everyone jumped off the rocks.

I played it safe (for once) and didn't drink anything, but water the rest of the night. One of my better decisions that weekend. After a long day of drinking and sun, everyone was in bed early. I was laying in bed with my husband, and my mind was going to overdrive. My husband's aunt and uncle (who we are living with currently) were watching our dogs for us, and I began to have the persistent thought that something bad could and/or would happen while we were gone. I thought about how I would feel if one of them were hit by a car, or snatched by a coyote. How I would never forgive the husband's aunt or uncle, and how I would buy a one-way ticket home and stay with my parents, until the house was built. How it would take a toll on my marriage, and how my husband would feel. But mostly, how overwhelming my hatred would be if something were to happen. I lost control in that moment, and I couldn't control the anxiety. It was too much to bear. I began shaking really. Again. This panic attack lasted for about 15 minutes, time of which I alternately felt like I was having a heart attack and that I just couldn't breathe. I think I finally wore myself out, and that's how I calmed down. I was just plain scared.

Needless to say, I was even more exhausted the next day than I was the day before. We headed for home that day, and arrived back at the house with not a hair out of place on either dog. It's now Thursday, and I feel like I'm still recovering from the weekend. I've stayed home this week, completed my workouts, ate healthy, avoided alcohol, and in general tried to stay calm. I've been experiencing mild, intermittent anxiety this week, but I'm hoping I'll start to feel better. One of these days.

Lack of Privacy = Stressed Out

It's been almost 2 months since we moved in with my husband's aunt and uncle. Thankfully, construction on the home is in full swing, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dim.

The lack of privacy here is really getting to me. The husband's aunt only works part time, so she is around a lot. She talks a mile a minute, barely lets me get a word in edgewise, and if I leave the room, she follows me. Yet, she complains about us being here 24/7. The husband and I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. We had no idea we would be made to feel so unwanted, that we are a huge burden. Before we moved in, it was discussed that I would continue to cook. Once we moved in however, I was told I'm only allowed to cook Monday-Thursday. See, she doesn't trust me to clean her kitchen. She cleans it after every meal I make, and she doesn't want to clean Friday-Sunday. This means the husband and I have to eat out Friday- Sunday, which we hate. Not only is eating out a ton of calories, but it's also expensive! We are building a house here, we are supposed to be saving money.

I'm a very sensitive person, and being made to feel unwanted is taking a toll on me. I've been put under a tremendous amount of stress, and my body is showing it. I'm gaining weight steadily, even though I've been limiting drinking, eating healthy, and working out 4-5 times a week. The only thing I can figure is that I'm putting on weight due to stress. My skin is very blotchy and red right now, and I've got a couple of rashes over my body. Again, stress. Insomnia is in full swing. I've been depressed more days than not. This whole situation makes me so homesick. I keep thinking about my parents and how if we were in this situation with my parents, it would be so different. My parents would never make us feel unwanted, and they wouldn't care how long we stayed. We could stay a year, and they wouldn't care. They wouldn't complain about every single construction delay. They would love having us, I would be able to cook as much as I want, I could make healthy meals there with no complaints from anyone, and I wouldn't have to vacuum every.single.day. My parents love our dogs, and treat them like kids, just like us. They don't care about a stray dog hair, like us. They would not make us feel like our dogs are a burden. I would be able to leave for the weekend, leave the pups with my parents, and not worry.

I'm so frustrated at this point. I want out, but there really isn't anywhere for us to go. The husband's mother lives in a single wide trailer, plus her brother is living with her right now. The husband's sister has a 3-bedroom house, and 3 kids. The husband's cousin lives 2.5 hours away. We are stuck. We are being made to leave this weekend, to go and see the husband's cousin at his lake house. I was kind of looking forward to it, until I learned yesterday that his cousin has invited a lot of people this weekend, and the house will be full. The husband and I will be sleeping on a couch in the basement. Of course, we basically have to go because the husband's aunt has to be by herself.

Whatever. This whole experience doesn't make me likely to help her out in the future. Yes, she is doing us a favor by letting us stay here, but it's not such a gift when you bitch and moan every day, and make us feel like shit. My private thoughts may sound high-strung, but I appear very laid-back in person. Aunt said she couldn't imagine me being the type of person to hold a grudge. I actually laughed at her. Little does she know. I will never forget how she has treated us during this time period. I may forgive, but I will never forget.