Why The Name?

I feel I should explain why I chose the name for the blog that I did. I heard Gary Allan's song, "Get Off On The Pain" in 2010. It immediately resonated with me. You can find the lyrics to the song here. I think I work out a lot of what's going on with me through music, I always have.

My whole life has been about pain. I'm used to being there, I'm not comfortable anywhere else. And we're talking about emotional pain here. Don't get me wrong, I like physical pain but for now, we are talking about emotions. One of the first times I realized that I like to be miserable was in one of my first relationships. It was a fairly happy relationship, but I was not satisfied. I pushed, and pushed, and pushed some more. I started fights. Then I broke up with him. Immediately after the breakup, I went into a tailspin. I regretted my decision so much it hurt. I drove myself crazy trying to get him back.

I never did get that guy back. I did realize that I wasn't happy in a happy relationship, so I turned it upside down. The guy I dated after him was more... my style. We fought constantly, and we fought dirty. He cheated on me throughout the entire relationship. I took him back every time, I was obsessed with him. He was emotionally abusive, he would tell me I was fat and ugly, and no one was ever going to want me. I let him do this to me for 4 years. It wasn't until he grew tired of the relationship and moved on, that I was freed from this. And freedom didn't feel free at the time. I realize now I narrowly escaped from him, but it's taken 10 years after the fact to see this.

I ask myself constantly why I stayed. Why did I let him do this me? By the time he left, I had no self-esteem. Yet, I still let him do this to me until he left. I was hung-up on this relationship for years afterwards. It took me 3 years and many self-destructive habits later to finally feel as if I had moved on.

Why did it take me so long? I think it's because I liked it. I was used to pain, and unwilling to change. I was miserable and that's all I'd ever been. I couldn't make myself leave that spot. I'm in a very happy relationship now, and I will never let it go because I actively fear going back to where I was. Abandoned and alone. I almost didn't make it through the last breakup, I'm not sure I could retain my sanity through another one.

At least I've learned my lesson with relationships.