Weathering A Storm

I've had a rough week. Over the weekend, I had 2 panic attacks of a pretty size-able scale. I've been muddling through this week, because after the weekend I've felt drained, apathetic, and down. I'm trying to do all my normal stuff to recover from the aftermath, but it's always slow going after these ordeals.

It should have been a fun and relaxing weekend. My husband and I went to visit his cousin and his wife at their lake house in a neighboring state. It was a long drive through a mountain range, where we ran into some rough weather. The last hour of our trip had us driving through a severe thunderstorm. The rain was pounding down so hard, I couldn't see through the windshield. My husband (along with everyone else on the interstate) flipped his emergency lights on and slowed to a crawl. I don't handle bad driving conditions very well, even though I'm always the passenger. But I still managed to hold myself together by holding on for dear life to my seat.

Already the weekend was off to a rocky start. But, the weather cleared up about 5 miles from our destination and when we arrived, we both settled in with some drinks. We'd been there for about an hour when my husband's cousin got itchy to take his boat out. I was apprehensive. It was late in the day, and there still looked like more storms coming in. But the cousin was adamant. So off we all go, in the boat. Sure enough, we'd been out on the water for 3 hours when a nasty, threatening black cloud appeared over the lake. The husband's cousin had started heading for shore, but we hadn't even made it yet when the downpour started. That's all I remember.

My husband said I had begun shaking violently when the rain started, and that I passed out. Good thing too, because the husband's cousin drove all the way back to the lake house with everyone still in the back of the boat. Through a thunderstorm. With lightening. Smart kid, that one. The next thing I remember, was being in the guest room, changing out of my soaking wet clothes. And I was tired as hell. And not a bit drunk, so I didn't pass out from excess of alcohol. When I went to sleep that night, I didn't wake up until morning. Unusual for me.

I felt like I was underwater the next morning. Foggy, unclear, and slow. But, it was a sunny day so everyone dressed for a day on the boat. I told myself it would be ok, I would just lay in the back of the boat and sunbathe. No big deal. We hadn't been out on the lake very long when the beer started flowing. The beer didn't stop flowing for 8 hours. I was drunk as a skunk by late afternoon. I made a questionable decision when I decided to jump off a 25-foot drop with everyone else. Not something I probably would have felt the need to do sober. I just remember standing at the edge of that drop-off and not caring. Not caring one bit as I stepped off and free-fell. I had a life-jacket on, so I guess it makes this dumb-ass decision a smidge more safe. Everyone decided to head back to the house shortly after everyone jumped off the rocks.

I played it safe (for once) and didn't drink anything, but water the rest of the night. One of my better decisions that weekend. After a long day of drinking and sun, everyone was in bed early. I was laying in bed with my husband, and my mind was going to overdrive. My husband's aunt and uncle (who we are living with currently) were watching our dogs for us, and I began to have the persistent thought that something bad could and/or would happen while we were gone. I thought about how I would feel if one of them were hit by a car, or snatched by a coyote. How I would never forgive the husband's aunt or uncle, and how I would buy a one-way ticket home and stay with my parents, until the house was built. How it would take a toll on my marriage, and how my husband would feel. But mostly, how overwhelming my hatred would be if something were to happen. I lost control in that moment, and I couldn't control the anxiety. It was too much to bear. I began shaking really. Again. This panic attack lasted for about 15 minutes, time of which I alternately felt like I was having a heart attack and that I just couldn't breathe. I think I finally wore myself out, and that's how I calmed down. I was just plain scared.

Needless to say, I was even more exhausted the next day than I was the day before. We headed for home that day, and arrived back at the house with not a hair out of place on either dog. It's now Thursday, and I feel like I'm still recovering from the weekend. I've stayed home this week, completed my workouts, ate healthy, avoided alcohol, and in general tried to stay calm. I've been experiencing mild, intermittent anxiety this week, but I'm hoping I'll start to feel better. One of these days.