I've woken up on the wrong side of the bed for the last 3 days. The news has been upsetting me. Hurricane Isaac hasn't helped, it's only made the bad mood worse. I can't stand seeing all the flooding, evacuations, people and pets made homeless, and the unfathomable destruction. It makes my heart hurt.
In my opinion, this unshakeable bad mood has been brought about by dreading the weekend. Yes, the husband's aunt is making us leave for the weekend AGAIN. I'm not looking forward to staying with the husband's mom. I hate his aunt. I can't wait until we leave to go to my parent's house. I just wish I could stay there until the house is done. I honestly don't know how I'm going to be nice to Aunt after we move out. She is the most ugly person I've ever met. Not talking about looks, either...
Also contributing to the bad mood is my weight. I feel so out of control lately. I'm still 11 lbs over my normal weight, and it's driving me crazy! I've been on a diet for the last 2 weeks, and doing an hour of cardio 5 times a week, and yet I feel like I'm continuing to get bigger. The scale hasn't moved in the last 3 weeks, so I'm not gaining weight. But am I gaining inches? I feel like I am. I usually don't have to diet, working out allows me to eat what I want. But not right now. I am drinking more than usual, I think that's a huge factor. I wish I could stay away from the stuff, but sometimes I feel like it's the only way to deal with Aunt. Or the only way to deal, period. I'm just so unhappy. My husband says my weight will stabilize once we are out of here, but I can't stand feeling so heavy during this time period, no matter how short.
My body is so tired. An hour of cardio is hard. I definitely forced it yesterday. My body was sore and screaming at me to stop, but I kept going. I'm paying for it today, I hurt everywhere. I'm at an impasse today. I should do an hour of cardio, since I know I'm going to my mother-in-law's for 3 days and I will eat nothing but fast food. But I hurt. I may do 30 minutes of cardio, and an hour of yoga. To compromise. It's just so frustrating, usually my weight and body is the one thing I can control. I feel like I have none right now.
The urge to cut is high right now. I've held strong, and stayed away, but it's always there. Especially with the impending stay with my mother-in-law. Never do I want to cut as much as I do when I'm there. Yesterday I was smoking a cigarette, and kept having the urge to burn my arm. What would the husband say about that? I don't even know. I do know I would be in a lot of trouble. Also, once I start, it won't stop. Self-control will go out the window and I will compulsively just do it. Like everything else I'm addicted to.
Argh, I just want to scream. Lately, I feel like all the rage and all the frustration is bubbling so close to the surface. I feel like I'm going to explode, and have a massive melt-down. I'm trying desperately to keep that from happening, I know no good will come of it. No good. I've only 3 more weeks until I'm out of here. 3 more weeks. That's what I keep telling myself.
I'm just so mad. Mad at everything and everyone.
Showing posts with label alcohol abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alcohol abuse. Show all posts
Friday, August 31, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Young Adult
Over the weekend, I watched "Young Adult" starring Charlize Theron. While it wasn't the best movie I've ever seen, it was a fearless character study. Charlize Theron plays a highly unlikeable woman, Mavis, who is obviously (in my non-professional opinion) mentally ill. Once the most beautiful and popular girl in her high school, she is now 37, but still mentally stuck in high school. Her character is incredibly self-absorbed, and selfish. Just like a child to never think about anyone but themselves.
Her apartment is disgusting, and for some reason, this woman has a dog. A dog that she never takes for walks, never gives water to, and that she locks in her hotel room alone for most of the movie. Her TV is always on reality TV, mostly "Keeping Up With The Kardashians". Her appetite for TV that a 16 year old would watch is just another facet of her mental immaturity. She is consistently drinking throughout the movie, so it appears she has an alcohol abuse problem as well. I think, as we all probably know, alcohol is going to exacerbate every problem she currently has. She gets an email one day that her former high-school boyfriend has just had a baby with his wife, and that is her wake-up call. It's like the thought suddenly dawned on her that her ex was not sitting home alone, and crying because he doesn't have her anymore. In her mind, she is so beautiful that everyone wants her. Just like a high schooler to think something so naive. And just like a high schooler to think that beauty is the only thing that matters, and that beauty would make a married man leave his wife.
She gets in her car, and drives to the town she grew up in, intent on whisking her ex away with her to big-city life. It never even crosses her mind that this man is married, happy, committed, content. He will obviously jump at the chance to be with her again, and leave his wife. Sigh. There is a lot more that happens in the movie, but what I'm walking away fascinated with is her character. Her character is the author of a young adult book series, which is fitting for her. Because she is likely forever 16 in her mind, she writes in a high school voice.
Her newest book, about a beautiful popular girl, is how Mavis thinks about herself. She changes the names of her characters, but the book is her thoughts. She talks about how her character, Kendall, is envied by everyone and how she is better than everyone. This is exactly how Mavis feels about herself. At the end of the movie, when she is rejected by the happily married man, in order to make peace with her mind, she kills off the love interest in her book. This is how she deals with the fact that she was rejected. Just kills him off. Because, of course, it wasn't her. It was him. It's so interesting that she couldn't have a breakup in her book, she had to completely kill him off in order to go on with her life. Nothing else, but death could explain why her character Kendall is not united with her love interest. It also shows how closely Mavis's real life is entwined with her novel life.
I think what drew me to this character is how similar she is to fantasy-me. I've always been drawn to writing, and I regularly write stories in my head. While I'm getting ready in the morning, I'm imagining a story in my head. When I'm cooking dinner, I'm writing another story. Cleaning the house? Lost in my imaginary world. And my fantasy-me is so beautiful that everyone immediately falls in love with her. Exes pine and never get over me. They think I'm the one that got away, and they would take me back in a second. This is a part of me that never manifests itself in my real life. In real life, I'm shy, awkward, and I wouldn't ever think that every single man I see wants me. In my head, my ex would leave his wife and family for me. In real life, I know this person is happily married and would never leave them in a million years.
I was just so drawn to this character. In Mavis, I saw a part of me that only exists in my head. In my head, I'm extremely narcissistic. I just don't care. I walk around saying whatever I want, to whoever I want. But to be a narcissist, I'm pretty sure you have to lack empathy, and empathy is not something I lack. I'm very happy that this part of me doesn't manifest, because let me tell you, it wasn't pretty to watch in a movie. Her delusional behavior was just that. Delusional.
Her apartment is disgusting, and for some reason, this woman has a dog. A dog that she never takes for walks, never gives water to, and that she locks in her hotel room alone for most of the movie. Her TV is always on reality TV, mostly "Keeping Up With The Kardashians". Her appetite for TV that a 16 year old would watch is just another facet of her mental immaturity. She is consistently drinking throughout the movie, so it appears she has an alcohol abuse problem as well. I think, as we all probably know, alcohol is going to exacerbate every problem she currently has. She gets an email one day that her former high-school boyfriend has just had a baby with his wife, and that is her wake-up call. It's like the thought suddenly dawned on her that her ex was not sitting home alone, and crying because he doesn't have her anymore. In her mind, she is so beautiful that everyone wants her. Just like a high schooler to think something so naive. And just like a high schooler to think that beauty is the only thing that matters, and that beauty would make a married man leave his wife.
She gets in her car, and drives to the town she grew up in, intent on whisking her ex away with her to big-city life. It never even crosses her mind that this man is married, happy, committed, content. He will obviously jump at the chance to be with her again, and leave his wife. Sigh. There is a lot more that happens in the movie, but what I'm walking away fascinated with is her character. Her character is the author of a young adult book series, which is fitting for her. Because she is likely forever 16 in her mind, she writes in a high school voice.
Her newest book, about a beautiful popular girl, is how Mavis thinks about herself. She changes the names of her characters, but the book is her thoughts. She talks about how her character, Kendall, is envied by everyone and how she is better than everyone. This is exactly how Mavis feels about herself. At the end of the movie, when she is rejected by the happily married man, in order to make peace with her mind, she kills off the love interest in her book. This is how she deals with the fact that she was rejected. Just kills him off. Because, of course, it wasn't her. It was him. It's so interesting that she couldn't have a breakup in her book, she had to completely kill him off in order to go on with her life. Nothing else, but death could explain why her character Kendall is not united with her love interest. It also shows how closely Mavis's real life is entwined with her novel life.
I think what drew me to this character is how similar she is to fantasy-me. I've always been drawn to writing, and I regularly write stories in my head. While I'm getting ready in the morning, I'm imagining a story in my head. When I'm cooking dinner, I'm writing another story. Cleaning the house? Lost in my imaginary world. And my fantasy-me is so beautiful that everyone immediately falls in love with her. Exes pine and never get over me. They think I'm the one that got away, and they would take me back in a second. This is a part of me that never manifests itself in my real life. In real life, I'm shy, awkward, and I wouldn't ever think that every single man I see wants me. In my head, my ex would leave his wife and family for me. In real life, I know this person is happily married and would never leave them in a million years.
I was just so drawn to this character. In Mavis, I saw a part of me that only exists in my head. In my head, I'm extremely narcissistic. I just don't care. I walk around saying whatever I want, to whoever I want. But to be a narcissist, I'm pretty sure you have to lack empathy, and empathy is not something I lack. I'm very happy that this part of me doesn't manifest, because let me tell you, it wasn't pretty to watch in a movie. Her delusional behavior was just that. Delusional.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Possibly Temporary Peace?
I'm feeling pretty good. I've been feeling pretty good for about a week. I'm not sure what to attribute my peacefulness to at this point. I had one bad day last week though, and it was a doozy.
It was Thursday. I had a doctor's appointment in the am. I was seeing a new doctor due to the fact that my previous doctor moved to another branch of the hospital, about an hour away. I decided to see her replacement, instead of moving with her. I didn't like her very much anyway. The new doctor was interesting. She was very nice, but she had one of those soft, gentle voices. I couldn't get over the way she was talking. Almost like if I said anything, my voice sounded vulgar next to hers. She did do 2 positive things, however. One, she called another psychiatrist while I was sitting right there and made me a new appointment, and two, she gave me refills on my prescriptions. This way I don't have to call their office once a month, track down a doctor to refill my prescriptions, drive to their office to get the prescriptions, drive to the drugstore to refill my prescriptions, wait at the drugstore to have my prescriptions filled, and finally, go home. This area of the South is really archaic in the way they do some things. It was a big deal, getting this done every month. And I would be really anxious until this task was completed every month.
Now that I've went off on a tangent about my doctor's appointment, I will tell you that I felt nervous and anxious the rest of the day. My husband's aunt, who we are living with right now, decided we should have cocktails around mid-afternoon. She can only be described as "alcohol dependent". I wouldn't call her an alcoholic, but if alcohol is around she will drink it, and she will drink a lot of it. The cocktail of choice was decided to be margaritas. I don't drink tequila. I drink wine, beer, or vodka. That's it. But oh, I drank the margaritas. And another. And another. By the time my husband got home from work, I was blacked out. What's scary is I made dinner while I was blacked out. I grilled hot dogs (so not safe), and made macaroni and cheese on the stove. I remember snippets of the night, mostly of puking my guts out, some of sobering up, some of going to bed. What I do remember is the next morning. Cotton mouth, pounding headache, and a sore, achy body. A hangover from hell. My husband told me the next day that I had a meltdown while I was blacked out. Screaming at him that there was something wrong with me, I wanted to die, and I didn't want to live here anymore.
Wow. That's a lot to scream at someone. Needless to say, my husband was terrified. He didn't know what was going on. I told him the next day that I didn't mean any of those things, that I don't know where they came from. And I really don't. I mean, it's pretty obvious something is wrong with me, but like I said, I've actually been feeling really good.
So here I am, thinking about my behavior on Thursday, wondering where it came from, and how long will this feeling good last? I just don't know at this point.
It was Thursday. I had a doctor's appointment in the am. I was seeing a new doctor due to the fact that my previous doctor moved to another branch of the hospital, about an hour away. I decided to see her replacement, instead of moving with her. I didn't like her very much anyway. The new doctor was interesting. She was very nice, but she had one of those soft, gentle voices. I couldn't get over the way she was talking. Almost like if I said anything, my voice sounded vulgar next to hers. She did do 2 positive things, however. One, she called another psychiatrist while I was sitting right there and made me a new appointment, and two, she gave me refills on my prescriptions. This way I don't have to call their office once a month, track down a doctor to refill my prescriptions, drive to their office to get the prescriptions, drive to the drugstore to refill my prescriptions, wait at the drugstore to have my prescriptions filled, and finally, go home. This area of the South is really archaic in the way they do some things. It was a big deal, getting this done every month. And I would be really anxious until this task was completed every month.
Now that I've went off on a tangent about my doctor's appointment, I will tell you that I felt nervous and anxious the rest of the day. My husband's aunt, who we are living with right now, decided we should have cocktails around mid-afternoon. She can only be described as "alcohol dependent". I wouldn't call her an alcoholic, but if alcohol is around she will drink it, and she will drink a lot of it. The cocktail of choice was decided to be margaritas. I don't drink tequila. I drink wine, beer, or vodka. That's it. But oh, I drank the margaritas. And another. And another. By the time my husband got home from work, I was blacked out. What's scary is I made dinner while I was blacked out. I grilled hot dogs (so not safe), and made macaroni and cheese on the stove. I remember snippets of the night, mostly of puking my guts out, some of sobering up, some of going to bed. What I do remember is the next morning. Cotton mouth, pounding headache, and a sore, achy body. A hangover from hell. My husband told me the next day that I had a meltdown while I was blacked out. Screaming at him that there was something wrong with me, I wanted to die, and I didn't want to live here anymore.
Wow. That's a lot to scream at someone. Needless to say, my husband was terrified. He didn't know what was going on. I told him the next day that I didn't mean any of those things, that I don't know where they came from. And I really don't. I mean, it's pretty obvious something is wrong with me, but like I said, I've actually been feeling really good.
So here I am, thinking about my behavior on Thursday, wondering where it came from, and how long will this feeling good last? I just don't know at this point.
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