Weathering A Storm

I've had a rough week. Over the weekend, I had 2 panic attacks of a pretty size-able scale. I've been muddling through this week, because after the weekend I've felt drained, apathetic, and down. I'm trying to do all my normal stuff to recover from the aftermath, but it's always slow going after these ordeals.

It should have been a fun and relaxing weekend. My husband and I went to visit his cousin and his wife at their lake house in a neighboring state. It was a long drive through a mountain range, where we ran into some rough weather. The last hour of our trip had us driving through a severe thunderstorm. The rain was pounding down so hard, I couldn't see through the windshield. My husband (along with everyone else on the interstate) flipped his emergency lights on and slowed to a crawl. I don't handle bad driving conditions very well, even though I'm always the passenger. But I still managed to hold myself together by holding on for dear life to my seat.

Already the weekend was off to a rocky start. But, the weather cleared up about 5 miles from our destination and when we arrived, we both settled in with some drinks. We'd been there for about an hour when my husband's cousin got itchy to take his boat out. I was apprehensive. It was late in the day, and there still looked like more storms coming in. But the cousin was adamant. So off we all go, in the boat. Sure enough, we'd been out on the water for 3 hours when a nasty, threatening black cloud appeared over the lake. The husband's cousin had started heading for shore, but we hadn't even made it yet when the downpour started. That's all I remember.

My husband said I had begun shaking violently when the rain started, and that I passed out. Good thing too, because the husband's cousin drove all the way back to the lake house with everyone still in the back of the boat. Through a thunderstorm. With lightening. Smart kid, that one. The next thing I remember, was being in the guest room, changing out of my soaking wet clothes. And I was tired as hell. And not a bit drunk, so I didn't pass out from excess of alcohol. When I went to sleep that night, I didn't wake up until morning. Unusual for me.

I felt like I was underwater the next morning. Foggy, unclear, and slow. But, it was a sunny day so everyone dressed for a day on the boat. I told myself it would be ok, I would just lay in the back of the boat and sunbathe. No big deal. We hadn't been out on the lake very long when the beer started flowing. The beer didn't stop flowing for 8 hours. I was drunk as a skunk by late afternoon. I made a questionable decision when I decided to jump off a 25-foot drop with everyone else. Not something I probably would have felt the need to do sober. I just remember standing at the edge of that drop-off and not caring. Not caring one bit as I stepped off and free-fell. I had a life-jacket on, so I guess it makes this dumb-ass decision a smidge more safe. Everyone decided to head back to the house shortly after everyone jumped off the rocks.

I played it safe (for once) and didn't drink anything, but water the rest of the night. One of my better decisions that weekend. After a long day of drinking and sun, everyone was in bed early. I was laying in bed with my husband, and my mind was going to overdrive. My husband's aunt and uncle (who we are living with currently) were watching our dogs for us, and I began to have the persistent thought that something bad could and/or would happen while we were gone. I thought about how I would feel if one of them were hit by a car, or snatched by a coyote. How I would never forgive the husband's aunt or uncle, and how I would buy a one-way ticket home and stay with my parents, until the house was built. How it would take a toll on my marriage, and how my husband would feel. But mostly, how overwhelming my hatred would be if something were to happen. I lost control in that moment, and I couldn't control the anxiety. It was too much to bear. I began shaking really. Again. This panic attack lasted for about 15 minutes, time of which I alternately felt like I was having a heart attack and that I just couldn't breathe. I think I finally wore myself out, and that's how I calmed down. I was just plain scared.

Needless to say, I was even more exhausted the next day than I was the day before. We headed for home that day, and arrived back at the house with not a hair out of place on either dog. It's now Thursday, and I feel like I'm still recovering from the weekend. I've stayed home this week, completed my workouts, ate healthy, avoided alcohol, and in general tried to stay calm. I've been experiencing mild, intermittent anxiety this week, but I'm hoping I'll start to feel better. One of these days.

Difficulty Getting Over Loss

I've had a hard time getting over losses my whole life. Every time I lost a pet when I was a child, I was inconsolable for weeks. When I became a teenager and started dating, each breakup was harder than the last. I've lost several "best friends", and I experience a never-ending cascade of hurt and guilt.

I think I must be a hard person to be friends with. I've lost every single best friend I've ever had, save for my high school best friend, who never really knew me anyway. The only one that still hurts to think about, "broke up" with me two and a half years ago. We were so much alike in so many ways. She is an abuse survivor like me, so she has plenty of her own issues. I'll call her D. She left when I had been married for 3 months.

What hurts the most is that I came to depend on her. She has experienced so much of what I've experienced. When my husband and I were first married, he was unemployed. Laid off. We started our marriage with him out of a job, and having a hard time finding a job as well. D. and her husband started their marriage with him unemployed. I struggled with my husband's unemployment and how to help him, and there were times I ached to call D. and ask her how she got through it all. I'm struggling now with my abuse issues, and I'm sad that she could give me advice, but I can't reach out to her.

What happened? Everything exploded in October of 2010. She had been staying at my house when her husband and her got into a huge fight over the phone. She went home later that day. She called me the next day, hysterical. Apparently, she'd been sleeping with her husband's best friend and her husband found out. He was leaving her. She was on the verge of a breakdown, and her father was on his way to take her to the hospital. I was blown away that she had cheated on her husband, she had never confided that in me. She ended the conversation abruptly.

I didn't hear from her for 3 weeks. I called, and called, and called. I left many messages. Coincidently, I got a new cell phone in this time period, and a new phone number. I called her on my new phone and she answered the phone. I was floored. As soon as she heard that it was me on the phone, she became cold. I asked her how she was, and she paused. She proceeded to tell me that she couldn't be my friend anymore. That I was a bad influence. That if she wanted to make things work with her husband, she had to get rid of every thing from her past.

My heart broke. It hurt me to hear these words. In a small voice, I told her "Ok". I said goodbye and I hung up the phone. I stared at the phone in my hand for a minute, and then I deleted her phone number out of my phone. I never called her again. I never spoke to her again.

I still hurt over this today. I'm so hurt that she said I was a bad influence. I hurt that I can't get her advice anymore. How was it so easy for her to walk away and act like I never existed? Did I mean so little to her that I was that easy for her to cut out of her life? I feel I never even knew her, there were secrets she kept from me. Like her affair. I told her everything, I never kept a secret from her. I told her things I've never told anyone else. It's been almost 3 years since she's been gone, and I still think about it. I Google her sometimes on the Internet, and I am enraged and full of hate if I run across anything about her. Anything that shows how easy it was for her to move on with her life.

Often, I was wish I could go all "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and forget about her. All the hurt, the rage, the loneliness. Unfortunately, my mind thinks the lesson I've learned is not to let anyone else in. They are going to leave anyway, they always do. So don't let them in. I haven't let another woman into my life since she left. I don't think I ever will either.

I will add that there is more to this story than what I've said, but that's a tale for another day.