Debby Downer

I've not been feeling well lately. I've been pretty depressed as of late, and haven't had the energy to do anything. One of the things I haven't had the energy to do lately is blog. For the last week, every day I've thought, "I should blog". Then I sigh, and say, "Tomorrow".

My husband and I are finally leaving his aunt's house in 6 days. I can't wait to leave. But I'm anxious about traveling to my parents house, mainly because we are flying with our dogs. I'm so anxious about how they are going to hold up. I won't feel better until I'm carrying them off the plane at our final destination. And I keep having this nagging thought that as soon as we get back from our trip, we are going to live with the hubby's mother. This thought is hanging over my head, and it sucks because I have a whole month with my parents. This isn't something I should be dwelling on yet. I hate that I will probably spend the majority of my time at home dreading coming back.

It also makes it almost impossible to be around the hubby's aunt. I'm seeing red. I hate her. I curse her in my head. She says the most reprehensible things. She was on a rampage yesterday. Thinking about it today, I wonder if she was trying to provoke me. She started off saying that I had a lot of work to do once our home is built, and she doesn't envy all the work I have to do. Umm, first of all, I'm looking forward to cleaning everything and making everything sparkle. Second, I can't wait to decorate. I told her I was looking forward to it, and she said, "Of course you are. You haven't done anything in 4 months. It's like you've been on vacation." Really? Really? Vacuuming your furniture and house everyday, dusting, cleaning the bathroom, and cooking meals for you most of the week constitutes doing nothing? Thanks so much.

The conversation moved somehow, someway to how much she hates her husband's daughter, whom he had with his first wife. She said she hated that kid from the start (the child was 4 when she met her husband), and she wouldn't have anything to do with it. She said if her husband had wanted to maintain a relationship with his daughter, she would never have stayed with him. I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. What a disgusting excuse for a human being she is. Now, this gets complicated. The hubby's aunt and uncle are both his biological aunt and uncle, because his mother and his aunt married a set of brothers. My husband's father abandoned my husband much the way his uncle abandoned his daughter. And Aunt has the audacity to say that it bothers her my husband doesn't view his biological father as his father. My husband's stepfather raised him, and he is who my husband views as "Dad". I couldn't believe she said that. I said, "Do you think Uncle's (her husband) daughter views him as her father? I guarantee she doesn't, much the way that my husband doesn't view the person that abandoned him as his father." She actually said I had a point there. Unbelievable. She then said that Uncle's mother never liked her, and if he had wanted to maintain a relationship with her, she also never would have married him. Well, isn't this the pot calling the kettle black! Aunt hates her daughter-in-law (and daughter-in-law knows this) but she still expects her daughter-in-law to be around her all the time. Such hypocrisy!

I think at this point I told her I had a headache, and retired to my room. When her husband got home, I hear her telling Uncle how much she hates having us there. She said she is so sick of people slowing down to look at our newly constructed house. She goes on to say she must have been crazy to agree to let us stay here. She is so hurtful.

She is the most bitter, unhappy woman I've ever met. She doesn't have my sympathy anymore though. Everything bad that happens to her, she has brought on herself with her mouth and her meanness. Ugh, 6 days is feeling way too long at this point. I think (in my non-professional opinion) that she is the reason I've been so depressed the last month or so. I can't wait to be away from her negative attitude and energy.

One last story before I shut up for the evening and stop my bitching. Two weeks ago, Aunt and Uncle went out of town to stay with their son. On the day they were supposed to come back, I guess Aunt downed a large amount of margaritas. She ended up getting so drunk she told her husband she hated him and she wanted to leave them in front of their son and his wife. On their way home, Uncle had to pull over 5-6 times to let her puke. When they got to the house, they sat in the car for 30 minutes and I guess she puked 2 more times in the driveway. We (husband and I) were standing in the kitchen when she came in, hair matted to her head and wearing sunglasses. She stumbled past us and didn't say a word, just went to her room. It was a Sunday, so she called in sick to work the next day with a "stomach virus". So irresponsible. Once again, she proclaims she will never drink again.

When pigs fly. Snort.

Mad At The World.

I've woken up on the wrong side of the bed for the last 3 days. The news has been upsetting me. Hurricane Isaac hasn't helped, it's only made the bad mood worse. I can't stand seeing all the flooding, evacuations, people and pets made homeless, and the unfathomable destruction. It makes my heart hurt.

In my opinion, this unshakeable bad mood has been brought about by dreading the weekend. Yes, the husband's aunt is making us leave for the weekend AGAIN. I'm not looking forward to staying with the husband's mom. I hate his aunt. I can't wait until we leave to go to my parent's house. I just wish I could stay there until the house is done. I honestly don't know how I'm going to be nice to Aunt after we move out. She is the most ugly person I've ever met. Not talking about looks, either...

Also contributing to the bad mood is my weight. I feel so out of control lately. I'm still 11 lbs over my normal weight, and it's driving me crazy! I've been on a diet for the last 2 weeks, and doing an hour of cardio 5 times a week, and yet I feel like I'm continuing to get bigger. The scale hasn't moved in the last 3 weeks, so I'm not gaining weight. But am I gaining inches? I feel like I am. I usually don't have to diet, working out allows me to eat what I want. But not right now. I am drinking more than usual, I think that's a huge factor. I wish I could stay away from the stuff, but sometimes I feel like it's the only way to deal with Aunt. Or the only way to deal, period. I'm just so unhappy. My husband says my weight will stabilize once we are out of here, but I can't stand feeling so heavy during this time period, no matter how short.

My body is so tired. An hour of cardio is hard. I definitely forced it yesterday. My body was sore and screaming at me to stop, but I kept going. I'm paying for it today, I hurt everywhere. I'm at an impasse today. I should do an hour of cardio, since I know I'm going to my mother-in-law's for 3 days and I will eat nothing but fast food. But I hurt. I may do 30 minutes of cardio, and an hour of yoga. To compromise. It's just so frustrating, usually my weight and body is the one thing I can control. I feel like I have none right now.

The urge to cut is high right now. I've held strong, and stayed away, but it's always there. Especially with the impending stay with my mother-in-law. Never do I want to cut as much as I do when I'm there. Yesterday I was smoking a cigarette, and kept having the urge to burn my arm. What would the husband say about that? I don't even know. I do know I would be in a lot of trouble. Also, once I start, it won't stop. Self-control will go out the window and I will compulsively just do it. Like everything else I'm addicted to.

Argh, I just want to scream. Lately, I feel like all the rage and all the frustration is bubbling so close to the surface. I feel like I'm going to explode, and have a massive melt-down. I'm trying desperately to keep that from happening, I know no good will come of it. No good. I've only 3 more weeks until I'm out of here. 3 more weeks. That's what I keep telling myself.

I'm just so mad. Mad at everything and everyone.

Time For A Break

I need to get out of here.

My time here with my husband's aunt has quickly morphed into a miserable time. Respect and mutual liking I used to have for her? Gone. Replaced with red-hot rage and hatred. I hate her. I've never met such a miserable person. She's got a mean-streak a mile wide, and I just can't understand it. I've never had a mean-streak. I don't like to hurt people, therefore I avoid doing it. Doesn't she know whats it's like to be hurt? She says she does. Knowing how bad it hurts, how could she inflect that pain on another person? I can't wrap my head around it. I handle myself with class, and a lot of times bite my tongue instead of saying the evil things that are going on in my head.

Aunt told us today that we are to be gone for Labor Day Weekend. Go stay with Husband's mom. My heart dropped to my stomach, and I think I actually tasted bile in my mouth, I was so angry. So angry. Be gone for Labor Day Weekend, so she and her husband can leave the house all day long, flitting from mall to movie to restaurant, while I suffer insomnia, allergies, and panic attacks by staying in the dark, smoke-filled pit that is my mother-in-law's house? I hate her. I would never be able to tell someone to go live in somewhere as awful as that, when I could help them myself. I could never live with myself knowing I caused that person so much pain and distress.

Learning about Labor Day Weekend ruined my day. My week. I've been down the whole day since I found out, at about 11 am this morning. There is one good thing I've got to look forward to. My husband found out he gets about a month off from work, so we are packing up the dogs and going to my parent's for a month. I can't wait. I can't wait to be somewhere where I feel welcome, loved, and wanted. Somewhere with absolutely no drama. With people who are warm, and deep in their hearts are good people. I am so happy I will be getting away from here, and away from Aunt. Of course, when we return from my parent's, we have to move in with my husband's mom until the house is done. We won't be back from our trip until the end of October, so I am hoping against all hope that the house is done by then. When the house is done, I'm going to be hard pressed to associate myself with Aunt. Being nice to her is going to be hard work.

I've noticed lately that I'm not making any progress on my issues. I haven't recovered any new flashbacks, and it's almost like I've completely stopped thinking about it. My obsession with getting better and figuring out what happened to me has been replaced by my all-consuming hatred for Aunt. This is not good for a couple of reasons. One, I really thought I was moving forward. All I wanted to was figure out what happened, piece everything back together, find a way to accept it, and move on. All progress has halted. I hate that, because I feel like my mind is simply putting off the inevitable. Once I no longer have Aunt to fixate on, then what? It starts all over again? Two, this hatred I feel is not normal or healthy. It makes me stressed. I constantly feel in a state of duress. I'm not the type of person who judges everyone, is jealous of them, and therefore talks crap and looks down on them. That is not me. But I don't deal with people like Aunt. Ever. My life is normally pretty laid-back and easy-going. Like I normally am. I wish I could just go to sleep, and wake up on the day when it's time to leave for my parent's. Fast-forward through this awful period of time right now.

Of course, that's not going to happen. I've got about a month that I've got to keep it together. We are leaving on September 27. I have to just try as hard as I can not to have a meltdown during this time period. Easier said than done.

Weekend In Hell

*********There is some pretty frank language in this entry. Do not read if you are so dainty as to not want to read some cursing. I warned you.******************



It was a really shitty weekend.

I mean, really shitty. The husband's aunt asked us to go and stay with my husband's mother from Friday-Sunday. I say ask, but I really mean told. Here's what she said, "Uncle and I talked. You guys are to be out of the house this weekend. Go stay with Husband's Mom". Well, thanks, you crazy bitch. Supposedly, so her and the Uncle can have some alone time. Like that's going to happen, I thought in my head, wishing I could kill her with my thoughts alone.

I loathe staying at my husband's mother's home. Really, really loathe staying there. She lives in a single wide trailer that she never cleans. The house is filthy. An inch of dirt on everything. Cobwebs are in every corner. Bits of food and nicotine gum tossed on the floor, in corners. Not good when you have 2 little dogs that like play Hoover vacuums all around the house. Trash lid soiled with old food. A fridge also soiled with old food, inside and out. Dead flies and heavy dust on the windowsills. The bathroom, oh, the bathroom. I shutter to think about it. She doesn't keep any food in the house, so we ate fast food all weekend. McDonald's, Little Caesar's, Subway, Arby's. My stomach hurt so bad by the time it was time to leave. Her house is in an apparent dead zone. She doesn't have Internet, and I couldn't get service on my phone, let alone 4G Internet service. She watches TV 24 hours a day, so we just sat there for 4 damn days, watching TV. The worst part of everything about staying with her? She smokes in the house. This is not light smoking either. We are talking a pack a day.

I get extremely agitated and anxious when I stay for too long at my mother-in-law's house. I also get a severely stuffed up, snotty nose. I always thought it was the filth that bothered me about her house, but after being forced to spend 4 days there this weekend, I realized why. My grandma used to smoke in her house. My mother-in-law's house smells exactly like my grandma's house from when I was a child.

My husband was working night's this weekend, so I slept alone at my MIL's house. I slept every night for exactly 4 hours, and woke up to the smell of smoke. My MIL is bipolar, and her behavior is extremely erratic. She is just starting on her manic phase right now, so she is not sleeping at night. She sits in her living room, and chain smokes. There is a hefty crack between the floor and the door of the room that I was sleeping in, so I woke up every night, smelling cigarette smoke. And every night, I had a trembling panic attack. I had them during the day too, don't get me wrong, but the night ones were the worst. I cried every night. Cried until I was exhausted and somehow, managed to fall back asleep for an hour.

My husband has asked his mother not to smoke inside when we are there, but she doesn't listen and/or care during her manic phases. She'll not smoke when he's there, or when I'm awake, but as soon as she thinks I'm asleep, BAM! She pulls out that pack so fast, and lights them up for a couple of hours. Maybe she thinks I don't know, but for god's sake woman, you live in a single wide trailer. You ain't hiding shit from anyone.

The husband's stupid fucking aunt called my MIL constantly all weekend. On Friday, her and Uncle left the house. All day. All damn day. So we had to go stay in a dark, dirty, moldy hole so you could go shopping, out for drinks, to a movie, more shopping, and out to dinner? Thanks, you fucking cunt. On Saturday, Uncle left to play cornhole. On Sunday, Uncle left to play cornhole. Are you fucking serious? Are you fucking serious? I saw red most of the weekend, so consumed in my hatred of Aunt was I. I'm still pretty pissed. If I could find a way to do it, I would take my damn dogs and go stay with my parents until the fucking house was done. But they live 2700 miles away, and one person cannot fly with 2 dogs, damnit.

The husband and I just got back today. I'm pasting a big, fat, fake smile on my fucking face and acting like everything is just peachy-fucking king. Aunt had the nerve to say to me when I got home, "Thanks so much for leaving for the weekend! We just had the best time!".

Fucking whore.

Lack of Privacy = Stressed Out

It's been almost 2 months since we moved in with my husband's aunt and uncle. Thankfully, construction on the home is in full swing, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dim.

The lack of privacy here is really getting to me. The husband's aunt only works part time, so she is around a lot. She talks a mile a minute, barely lets me get a word in edgewise, and if I leave the room, she follows me. Yet, she complains about us being here 24/7. The husband and I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. We had no idea we would be made to feel so unwanted, that we are a huge burden. Before we moved in, it was discussed that I would continue to cook. Once we moved in however, I was told I'm only allowed to cook Monday-Thursday. See, she doesn't trust me to clean her kitchen. She cleans it after every meal I make, and she doesn't want to clean Friday-Sunday. This means the husband and I have to eat out Friday- Sunday, which we hate. Not only is eating out a ton of calories, but it's also expensive! We are building a house here, we are supposed to be saving money.

I'm a very sensitive person, and being made to feel unwanted is taking a toll on me. I've been put under a tremendous amount of stress, and my body is showing it. I'm gaining weight steadily, even though I've been limiting drinking, eating healthy, and working out 4-5 times a week. The only thing I can figure is that I'm putting on weight due to stress. My skin is very blotchy and red right now, and I've got a couple of rashes over my body. Again, stress. Insomnia is in full swing. I've been depressed more days than not. This whole situation makes me so homesick. I keep thinking about my parents and how if we were in this situation with my parents, it would be so different. My parents would never make us feel unwanted, and they wouldn't care how long we stayed. We could stay a year, and they wouldn't care. They wouldn't complain about every single construction delay. They would love having us, I would be able to cook as much as I want, I could make healthy meals there with no complaints from anyone, and I wouldn't have to vacuum every.single.day. My parents love our dogs, and treat them like kids, just like us. They don't care about a stray dog hair, like us. They would not make us feel like our dogs are a burden. I would be able to leave for the weekend, leave the pups with my parents, and not worry.

I'm so frustrated at this point. I want out, but there really isn't anywhere for us to go. The husband's mother lives in a single wide trailer, plus her brother is living with her right now. The husband's sister has a 3-bedroom house, and 3 kids. The husband's cousin lives 2.5 hours away. We are stuck. We are being made to leave this weekend, to go and see the husband's cousin at his lake house. I was kind of looking forward to it, until I learned yesterday that his cousin has invited a lot of people this weekend, and the house will be full. The husband and I will be sleeping on a couch in the basement. Of course, we basically have to go because the husband's aunt has to be by herself.

Whatever. This whole experience doesn't make me likely to help her out in the future. Yes, she is doing us a favor by letting us stay here, but it's not such a gift when you bitch and moan every day, and make us feel like shit. My private thoughts may sound high-strung, but I appear very laid-back in person. Aunt said she couldn't imagine me being the type of person to hold a grudge. I actually laughed at her. Little does she know. I will never forget how she has treated us during this time period. I may forgive, but I will never forget.

Self-Sabotge?

Oh, lord. Remember how I said I had my first psychiatric appointment on the 28th? Apparently, it was not meant to be. On Tuesday night, I was going over my paperwork, making sure I had everything in order, when I found a piece of paper that said my appointment was 6/19/12. It was 6/26/12 by this point. I was shocked. I took out my calendar and my iPhone, both of which I had marked the 28th for the appointment. I called the office first thing on Wednesday morning to reschedule. A very rude receptionist told me very snidely that since I had missed my first appointed, I was basically banned from ever seeing their doctors. I explained what had happened, and the receptionist told me there was nothing she could do, and hung up the phone.

I cried, and cried, and cried. I had waited 2 months for this appointment with an excellent doctor. One who had graduated from a top-tier psychology school, and had many years in the business. The receptionist was just so... so cold. How could they talk to someone like that, especially in the business they are in? The people calling them are people that need help the most.

I was miserable the rest of the day. You are probably thinking "Big deal. Call someone else". Yes, this is the conclusion I came to, but I had a very hard time with the way I was spoken to. I've been putting off asking my parents about my "situation" until I talked to a professional. Now, something that had seemed to me was going to be a possibility in the near future, was being put on the back burner for potentially another 2 months. I couldn't handle the thought. I know I can't stay where I'm at, I have to take a step forward.

So, with some liquid courage, I called my dad on Wednesday night. With the time difference between the 2 of us, my mom was just getting home from work and I panicked. I really didn't want to talk to my mom about this just yet. I finally just told my dad (who knows I'm taking a psychiatric appointment) that I needed to talk to him about my childhood, privately, possibly tomorrow after my mom left for work.

He paused. Then he said, "So, you have questions?".

"Yes." I replied.

He exhaled. "Ok. I understand. We'll talk tomorrow".

I think I was in even more shock when I got off the phone. The fact that my dad seemed to know what I was talking about, just seemed to confirm that I was right in thinking something was up.

I cried, and cried, and cried some more. I was emotionally strung out. The "help" I thought I was getting had been yanked out from under my feet, and my dad was seemingly confirming that something happened to me as a kid. I didn't sleep much that night. Instead I had very vivid dreams, covering a vast quantity of weird shit.

It's getting late, and I'm still emotionally tired from this week's events. I'll cover the phone call between my dad and I tomorrow. One thing I've learned is that not resting causes the crazy to come out even more. It's off to bed for this girl.

8 More Days

It will be 8 more days before my first official psychiatrist appointment. I'm feeling bittersweet over this. Happy because I feel like I'm drowning here, but slightly saddened that I'm so obviously not normal. Normal people don't have sick, twisted thoughts like I do. Normal people don't have panic attacks. Normal people don't thoughtfully touch a knife, thinking about one little cut, and then using all their willpower not to. Normal people don't have weeks that they mope around the house, having crying jags, and thinking that absolutely everything is hopeless.

I don't know what a psychiatrist is going to do for me, I don't know how they can help me. A large part of me is screaming that I will always be broken, there isn't anything anyone can do. This part of me wants to cancel my appointment, and keep what's happened to me a secret. I dread sharing anything about myself with anyone. I don't know how I'm going to find the words to say to a doctor what has happened to me. I can't even accept what has happened to me, how can I tell someone else what is only a suspicion in my mind? I can picture myself opening my mouth, closing it because I can't say what I want to say, and my cheeks turning very, very red. Even when I talk to my husband about this, I have a hard time saying it out loud. If I do manage to get the words out of my mouth, a wave of sickening feeling washes over me. Dread. I've always been this way, and I will always be this way. But there is a small part of me that is holding out hope. Hope that the emptiness inside of me could go away.

I've been feeling especially low for a couple of days while living with the husband's aunt.  She makes us feel like children. Before she left for work today, she told my husband to take a shower if he works in the yard because she doesn't want him sitting dirty on her furniture. Umm, we are adults here. Last night, I got lectured for a good 10 minutes on how to properly clean a crock pot. This does not serve well for my self-esteem. Back when I was working (it's been about one and a half years since I quit working) I was a perfectionist. I hated being corrected at work, my supervisor could tell me something once, and I would always remember. I would go out of my way to make sure all my work was far and away the best, and then wait around like a lost puppy for my praise. When the aunt is lecturing me, she is beating the thought into me that I'm not perfect. That I'm a burden to her. That I'm worthless. That she can't wait to get me out of here.

Realistically, I don't think she actually thinks those things about me. But, that's how she makes me feel. I've already noticed that I feel pretty relaxed during the day when she is at work, and then completely anxious while she is home. I'm afraid to make a step, any step, for fear it's the wrong one. I'm guessing this is not the most healthy situation for me to be living in. Everyday, I just hope the home is done soon and I can get back to my environment. It's such a toss up for me, because I'm anxious here, but I'm also anxious at my mother-in-law's house. There's nowhere we can stay that I won't be anxious.

Argh! I'm feeling very frustrated today. It's going to be a long day.