Weathering A Storm

I've had a rough week. Over the weekend, I had 2 panic attacks of a pretty size-able scale. I've been muddling through this week, because after the weekend I've felt drained, apathetic, and down. I'm trying to do all my normal stuff to recover from the aftermath, but it's always slow going after these ordeals.

It should have been a fun and relaxing weekend. My husband and I went to visit his cousin and his wife at their lake house in a neighboring state. It was a long drive through a mountain range, where we ran into some rough weather. The last hour of our trip had us driving through a severe thunderstorm. The rain was pounding down so hard, I couldn't see through the windshield. My husband (along with everyone else on the interstate) flipped his emergency lights on and slowed to a crawl. I don't handle bad driving conditions very well, even though I'm always the passenger. But I still managed to hold myself together by holding on for dear life to my seat.

Already the weekend was off to a rocky start. But, the weather cleared up about 5 miles from our destination and when we arrived, we both settled in with some drinks. We'd been there for about an hour when my husband's cousin got itchy to take his boat out. I was apprehensive. It was late in the day, and there still looked like more storms coming in. But the cousin was adamant. So off we all go, in the boat. Sure enough, we'd been out on the water for 3 hours when a nasty, threatening black cloud appeared over the lake. The husband's cousin had started heading for shore, but we hadn't even made it yet when the downpour started. That's all I remember.

My husband said I had begun shaking violently when the rain started, and that I passed out. Good thing too, because the husband's cousin drove all the way back to the lake house with everyone still in the back of the boat. Through a thunderstorm. With lightening. Smart kid, that one. The next thing I remember, was being in the guest room, changing out of my soaking wet clothes. And I was tired as hell. And not a bit drunk, so I didn't pass out from excess of alcohol. When I went to sleep that night, I didn't wake up until morning. Unusual for me.

I felt like I was underwater the next morning. Foggy, unclear, and slow. But, it was a sunny day so everyone dressed for a day on the boat. I told myself it would be ok, I would just lay in the back of the boat and sunbathe. No big deal. We hadn't been out on the lake very long when the beer started flowing. The beer didn't stop flowing for 8 hours. I was drunk as a skunk by late afternoon. I made a questionable decision when I decided to jump off a 25-foot drop with everyone else. Not something I probably would have felt the need to do sober. I just remember standing at the edge of that drop-off and not caring. Not caring one bit as I stepped off and free-fell. I had a life-jacket on, so I guess it makes this dumb-ass decision a smidge more safe. Everyone decided to head back to the house shortly after everyone jumped off the rocks.

I played it safe (for once) and didn't drink anything, but water the rest of the night. One of my better decisions that weekend. After a long day of drinking and sun, everyone was in bed early. I was laying in bed with my husband, and my mind was going to overdrive. My husband's aunt and uncle (who we are living with currently) were watching our dogs for us, and I began to have the persistent thought that something bad could and/or would happen while we were gone. I thought about how I would feel if one of them were hit by a car, or snatched by a coyote. How I would never forgive the husband's aunt or uncle, and how I would buy a one-way ticket home and stay with my parents, until the house was built. How it would take a toll on my marriage, and how my husband would feel. But mostly, how overwhelming my hatred would be if something were to happen. I lost control in that moment, and I couldn't control the anxiety. It was too much to bear. I began shaking really. Again. This panic attack lasted for about 15 minutes, time of which I alternately felt like I was having a heart attack and that I just couldn't breathe. I think I finally wore myself out, and that's how I calmed down. I was just plain scared.

Needless to say, I was even more exhausted the next day than I was the day before. We headed for home that day, and arrived back at the house with not a hair out of place on either dog. It's now Thursday, and I feel like I'm still recovering from the weekend. I've stayed home this week, completed my workouts, ate healthy, avoided alcohol, and in general tried to stay calm. I've been experiencing mild, intermittent anxiety this week, but I'm hoping I'll start to feel better. One of these days.

Lack of Privacy = Stressed Out

It's been almost 2 months since we moved in with my husband's aunt and uncle. Thankfully, construction on the home is in full swing, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dim.

The lack of privacy here is really getting to me. The husband's aunt only works part time, so she is around a lot. She talks a mile a minute, barely lets me get a word in edgewise, and if I leave the room, she follows me. Yet, she complains about us being here 24/7. The husband and I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. We had no idea we would be made to feel so unwanted, that we are a huge burden. Before we moved in, it was discussed that I would continue to cook. Once we moved in however, I was told I'm only allowed to cook Monday-Thursday. See, she doesn't trust me to clean her kitchen. She cleans it after every meal I make, and she doesn't want to clean Friday-Sunday. This means the husband and I have to eat out Friday- Sunday, which we hate. Not only is eating out a ton of calories, but it's also expensive! We are building a house here, we are supposed to be saving money.

I'm a very sensitive person, and being made to feel unwanted is taking a toll on me. I've been put under a tremendous amount of stress, and my body is showing it. I'm gaining weight steadily, even though I've been limiting drinking, eating healthy, and working out 4-5 times a week. The only thing I can figure is that I'm putting on weight due to stress. My skin is very blotchy and red right now, and I've got a couple of rashes over my body. Again, stress. Insomnia is in full swing. I've been depressed more days than not. This whole situation makes me so homesick. I keep thinking about my parents and how if we were in this situation with my parents, it would be so different. My parents would never make us feel unwanted, and they wouldn't care how long we stayed. We could stay a year, and they wouldn't care. They wouldn't complain about every single construction delay. They would love having us, I would be able to cook as much as I want, I could make healthy meals there with no complaints from anyone, and I wouldn't have to vacuum every.single.day. My parents love our dogs, and treat them like kids, just like us. They don't care about a stray dog hair, like us. They would not make us feel like our dogs are a burden. I would be able to leave for the weekend, leave the pups with my parents, and not worry.

I'm so frustrated at this point. I want out, but there really isn't anywhere for us to go. The husband's mother lives in a single wide trailer, plus her brother is living with her right now. The husband's sister has a 3-bedroom house, and 3 kids. The husband's cousin lives 2.5 hours away. We are stuck. We are being made to leave this weekend, to go and see the husband's cousin at his lake house. I was kind of looking forward to it, until I learned yesterday that his cousin has invited a lot of people this weekend, and the house will be full. The husband and I will be sleeping on a couch in the basement. Of course, we basically have to go because the husband's aunt has to be by herself.

Whatever. This whole experience doesn't make me likely to help her out in the future. Yes, she is doing us a favor by letting us stay here, but it's not such a gift when you bitch and moan every day, and make us feel like shit. My private thoughts may sound high-strung, but I appear very laid-back in person. Aunt said she couldn't imagine me being the type of person to hold a grudge. I actually laughed at her. Little does she know. I will never forget how she has treated us during this time period. I may forgive, but I will never forget.

The Aftermath of a Panic Attack

Well, I meant to write a week ago. To talk about the conversation I had with my dad last week. An emotional conversation with my dad, unplanned errands, and a panic attack pretty much changed the course of my week. I seem to get a hangover effect when I have a panic attack. I have little energy and am, in general, just depressed for  a couple of days after a panic attack.

My panic attack was triggered by an impromptu visit to my sister-in-law's house. I'm normally triggered by her daughter, my niece, at her house but this time, she had something that triggers me far beyond children. Animals.

I don't know why I'm so triggered by animals, but I'm so badly triggered by animals, I can be sick for a week after a panic attack regarding an animal. My trigger is animals that seem to me to be in pain, abused, or mistreated. My sister-in-law got a new cat. Not a cat, a teeny, tiny kitten. The weather has been rotten here, we are in the middle of a heat wave. It must have been 100 degrees that day. My husband and I were walking to his sister's door when I noticed this tiny kitten huddled up against the house.

I knelt down, I couldn't stop myself. I put my hand out to let the kitten sniff it. The kitten was so weak, it didn't move. I ran my hand over it's small body, it was so hot. I looked around for a water bowl. There was none. My blood began to boil. I went inside and immediately got the tiny animal a bowl of ice water. I took it out to the kitten and began to rub some cold water into it's fur. It was able to get up then, and drink a voracious amount of water. I petted the poor kid some more, I could feel it's bones under it's fur. I was fuming. I looked around again, there was no food for this tiny cat. How could they be keeping this tiny, tiny animal outside? In the heat? Without food and water? I picked up the poor kitty, and held it to my chest. It began to purr like crazy, and I felt a sob rise in my chest. I went in and got the poor thing some food, and brought it out to him/her. The kitten ate a ton of food.

By this time, I was seeing red. My husband had come out of the house, it was time to go.  I felt tremendous amount of guilt leaving the animal there. I knew I couldn't take it with me, but it took everything I had to leave it there. I felt such hatred for my husband's sister in that moment, I couldn't even look at her.

As soon as we were in the car, driving down the street, the attack came. I could feel the panic rising in my chest, and my heart began to beat fast. Then faster. I began having trouble breathing. I was almost dizzy, and I felt so claustrophobic. The thought crossed my mind to jump out of the moving vehicle, just to try and make it stop. My mother-in-law was in the car with us, and I just tried to calm my breathing down. She was trying to talk to me, but I just ignored her and concentrated on my breathing. My husband knew something was wrong, and picked up the conversational slack.

It lasted about 20 minutes. And then I was drained. I told myself to think about something else, anything else. The next day was bad too. I felt hopeless, tired, and my whole body was sore from tensing up during the attack. Nothing much changed for the next couple of days. I'm finally starting to feel better now. I think.

I found out 2 days ago that the kitten had passed away. It was hit by a car in front of my sister-in-law's house. I have mixed feelings on this. Extreme sadness for such a short, innocent life. A little bit of relief because I don't have to watch this animal continue to suffer. I also feel a little bit of reality, because the reality of life is that I can't save every animal being abused. This is a hard fact for me to accept, and this thought destroys me a majority of the time.

I don't know why I'm this way. I've always had a special place in my heart for animals, I like them more than people. I can't stand to see an animal, innocent and defenseless, being abused by ignorant humans who seem to like to cause pain and devastation. I hate people for this reason. I hate my sister-in-law for letting this happen under her roof.

Anyhoo, the point of all this is that I didn't get around to the post I wanted to write. I was too depressed to open my computer, and move my fingers. I'm sitting here, wondering why I'm so different from other people, that something like seeing that kitten, could send me into a depressed state for days? It sounds so stupid, there are so many bigger problems in the world, but this... this gets me.

I'm hoping to write tomorrow, because I really did have a productive discussion with my dad that I wanted to talk about. Fingers crossed.